LuLu In The Sky With Diamonds

The world outside keeps turning,

inside this room it’s still.
Time itself became stuck in time

on the day that you got ill.
Now the colours of the world

blend into black and brown and grey.
We take turns holding your calloused hands

hoping today you won’t slip away.
Nanny, stay a little while longer.

do you have to leave this soon?
I don't want to share you with the stars;

the earth, the sun or the moon.
As we watch you sleep I realise
I’m so frightened to let go
of the lady who bathed me in her kitchen sink
24 years ago…

You filled the space of my missing parent,

my first smile belongs to you.
You were the safe harbour for this little ship

as she loved and learnt and grew.
I would climb up onto your lap at night   

and when tucked within your embrace,
trace with my fingers the echoes of War
in the creases of your face.

And now finally all these years later,
I am coming undone at the seams
As I sit beside your bed and watch
you wrestle and choke against dreams.
I ache to reach out and save you
from the touch of death’s caress,
To have you hold me one last time
against the comfort of your breast.
Time becomes unstuck for a moment,
and then you open your eyes;
I find myself drowning in baby blue
as my crote says her final goodbyes.
Then suddenly the loud silence -
we feel your grip on life release;
and in that silence I have never seen
a person look so much at peace.
That afternoon became overcast
but the gathering clouds did not cry,
For soon my Nanny's soaring spirit
would be dancing with them in the sky.

When morning came, so did the sun 

and I could feel your smile in its warmth,
Mother Earth, awake at last, 
sent the colours of the world forth.
They spilled out onto the ocean like diamonds,
a scattering of baby blue.
I realise now I wasn’t gazing at the sea,
Instead; I was gazing at you.
Your spirit glows in everything;
the dust, the grass, the trees,
I can even hear your voice whispering
in the rustle of the leaves.
And there’s also the memories I have of us
that burn like flames within my heart;
If I keep them there and hold them close
We will never be apart.

Happy birthday Nanny, thank you for being the best Grandmother in the world. Not a day goes by that I don't miss the sound of your laugh or the smell of your skin. This blog might be about finding my father and his family but it's also about finding myself along the way, and you were such a big part of making me who I am. I hope I make you proud most of the time (I'm also aware there are times I probably horrify you as well, sorry about that) and although it's been nearly three years since you passed I know you are still looking out for me. I hope as I write this you and Grandpa are dancing slowly in the clouds, young again and in love with nothing but an eternal stretch of time together. 

All my love forever,

Tushka